when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
