Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
