I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
