She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
