had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
