I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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