Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
