My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
