Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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