Welp...herpes.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
