i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
