my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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