I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
