Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i think i have two assholes
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
When are your genitals available?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
