Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
