highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
