Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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