I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
