I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
