I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
