I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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