Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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