I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Couch. On fire.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
