I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
