why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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