i think my tv is drunk
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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