I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
This baby is an asshole
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
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