Moan for me like Helen Keller
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
