I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
