Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
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