I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
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The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
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He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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