she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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