For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
