You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
