I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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