Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
