im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
