found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
