Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
