why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
