My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
