Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
There's even glitter on my cock...
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