note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
