i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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