i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
