I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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