is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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