Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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