pop tarts are not kleenex
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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