saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
