did you get engaged???
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
