just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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