dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
