Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
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