Moan for me like Helen Keller
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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