3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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