"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
