i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Randomize
