Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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